This is for the rest of us. The ones who are too hot, too tired, and too over it to pretend this season is fun. Summer is not a vibe. It is a slow motion assault on comfort and patience. And honestly, I am taking it personally.

Here are the things that feel like a direct attack on my nervous system from June through August.

The Air Itself

It is not just hot. It is disrespectful. It wraps around you like a sweaty scarf made of regret. You are damp before you even do anything. You feel like you are being held hostage by humidity. You step outside and immediately want to go back in and file a formal complaint with the sun.

Flip Flops

Are they shoes? Are they pool noodles for your feet? Why do they make that slapping noise like they are applauding your poor choices with every step? And why do people insist on wearing them to places that involve actual walking like airports and museums? I do not want to see your toes or hear your footwear try to escape your body.

The Pressure to Be Happy About It

Summer has this cultlike energy where everyone is supposed to be cheerful. Barbecues. Fireworks. Pool parties. Why is no one talking about the bugs? The sunburns? The absolute war zone that is the seasonal aisle at any store? Let me be grumpy in peace.

Surprise Invitations

There is a special kind of betrayal that happens when someone texts you hey you free today. No I am not. I am inside. I am horizontal. I have already committed to doing nothing and I will not be making any adjustments. Do not drag me into your sweaty social plans.

Clothing Expectations

I am not putting on a sundress. I am not squeezing into a tank top. I am not shaving my legs for an outing that includes lawn chairs. I will be in my moomoo. I will be in the shade. If that makes me antisocial, then good. That means it is working.

Bugs

Mosquitoes. Ants. The wasp that keeps threatening your porch like it pays rent. I am not part of the food chain. I did not ask to be involved. If I wanted to be one with nature, I would have reincarnated as moss.

Loud People Existing Outdoors

It is not enough that you are outside. You have to shout about it. The yard work. The party music. The guy revving his truck like it is doing something other than announcing deep seated insecurity. I hear you. I do not want to.

Stores That Pretend Everyone is a Size Two Mermaid

Every swimsuit display is a lie. Every outfit is cropped. Every mannequin looks like she drinks cucumber water and never yells at her family. It is delusion in polyester form and I am not here for it.

Ceiling Fans

Oh look, a source of air movement that triggers your migraine and does not even cool the room properly. Love that for us. No notes. Just rage.

The Eternal Glow of Sweat

You are not dewy. You are melting. Your skin feels sticky. Your hair is doing something unholy. And yet society expects you to be friendly while your thighs are fighting for dominance in public. Unacceptable.

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If you are inside, bitter, and refusing to romanticize ninety degree misery, you are not alone. This season may be out here pretending to be joyful, but we know the truth.

Stay cool. Stay unbothered. Stay inside.